What a treat this was. Ettore Buchi’s “Mission Asspossible” proves a surprisingly ambitious if not entirely effective little thriller. This big-budget porn knock-off of the mammoth-budget Tom Cruise “Mission Impossible” film series (which itself is a re-imagining of the old TV show which ran from 1966 to 1973) is shot entirely on a real (and semi active) cruise ship, utilizing the most expensive film equipment, multiple helicopters, and a whole host of extras. The alternate title “Private Blockbusters 7: Mission Asspossible” seems most fitting as this is possibly the closest one will come to a legitimate porno blockbuster.

While the storyline, involving a group of secret government agents known as A.S.S. attempting to infiltrate a meeting of international gangsters, proved as convoluted as the original DePalma “Mission Impossible” film, it’s still a lot of fun watching it play out. Given the glut of ‘chat ‘n fuck’ gonzo I’m exposed to on an almost daily basis, this was a welcome change of pace. As well, Ettore Buchi seems to take great joy in changing up the various names (i.e. Ethan Hunt is now Ethan Cunt etc.) and playing on assorted ideas orginally forwarded in the show and movie, namely the use of doubles and sleight of hand trickery.

Every scene is impeccably lit (the agents are almost always cloaked in shadow), the camera work is top notch (including tracking long hallways, and dizzying overhead shots, bringing to mind John Alcott’s work in “The Shining” or Gary Hansen’s work in “Next of Kin”) and performances which are about as good as it gets in porn land, especially from a great number of actors whose first language isn’t English. Toni Ribas (credits: Tony Ribas), limited by his thick accent, plays Cunt as cool and calculating, not unlike Mr. Cruise. He even looks a bit like him. It’s just too bad that the script doesn’t really give him much to do.

During an action packed opening segment, various characters are dispatched and swapped out with their various stand-ins. Afterwards, the central characters are introduced via title cards. At his home, super spy Ethan Cunt (“Beyond The Call of Booty 4” star Toni Ribas) is instructed that A.S.S. agents are assembling on the Kinky Princess cruise ship where a meeting of international crime lords is set to take place. A.S.S. is especially interested in seeing global kingpin Pablo Morales (Ian Scott), eliminated and, of course, Cunt is the only man they can trust for such an important job.

Ian Scott (2008′s “Daughter I’d Like To Fuck“) is the first to arrive on the ship, with his entourage of floozies and armed guards tailing close behind. Moving from room to room, we get a sense that this really is a pleasure cruise. In each cabin, nude women abound. He receives less than a friendly reception when he enters the cabin of Brooklyn Lee (2011′s “Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody“). It is never made clear if she’s a hostage or an angry girlfriend.

Judging by the exchange they have, my sense is that she’s the wife of one of Scott’s rivals, who has been taken hostage by Scott’s goons. Dodging pillows and flailing fists, Scott’s bodyguard (“Transsexual Big Bang” star Teo Mantera) is able to drag Brooklyn kicking and screaming to Ian’s room, where Scott, once alone, forces himself on the teary-eyed blonde. “You bastard, you’re not going to get away with this,” she screams, spitting into his face.  Before long, he’s forcing his cock down her throat. She makes a mess of his bed, coughing a lung full of saliva. He forces himself inside her pussy. Unable to stop it, Brooklyn decides to get into it, rubbing her clit as he pounds and eventually riding him into the bed as he slaps her face (so hard that she appears stunned by it!) and chokes her. He wants to fuck her ass, slipping his tongue, fingers and then his cock up the hole while she screams and carries on. He smacks her around some more. It’s rough, frantic sex. Lee sucks his cock out of her ass and, later, after he slips it back into her pussy, she seems to cum on his cock. She deep gags on him, stopping to let him spray his semen into her mouth and across her face before continuing her deep gagging. She blows bubbles with his cum and plays with it.

While Brooklyn and Ian are busy making love, the other criminal masterminds are being checked in, including Mick Blue (credits: Mike Blue), Antonio Ross (2011′s “Ass Candy“) and James Brossman (2010′s “DP County“), each playing a boss of a different region. Kortney Kane (credits: Courtney Kane) plays Scott’s assistant, nicknamed The Bitch. Later that night, the gang gather to share drinks with their floozies. Jon Jon (credits: John John), doubling for the real maitre de, who was dispatched in the opener, joins them. The various A.S.S. agents are also introduced. They include Sophia Santi (credits: Sofia Sante), Dona Bell (credits: Donna Bell)  and Mr. Pete (2011′s “Badass School Girls 5“). Each a chess piece in a much bigger game. One set to unfold over the course of the next few days.

The agents are tasked with observing the crime kingpins as they gather for games of high stakes poker, to discuss business and, of course, have lots of sex. Again, this is a pleasure cruise, so lots of sex is inevitable. Ethan has rigged the various rooms with cameras and records everything from his command center neatly tucked away in a closet in one of the cabins.

Mick Blue (2010′s “Getting Off With Monique“) is feeling horny and ditches the poker to rush back to his room and indulge in some steamy threeway sex with a pair of feisty blondes, Nataly Von (credits: Natalie Von) and Blanche. Almost from the start, Blanche can’t resist cumming on Blue’s cock while riding him in rc. Nataly Von (her hair dyed blonde) rubs Blanche’s clit as she rides. They trade up and it’s Nataly’s turn to cum. Blue is like an animal, pounding one girl, throwing her off of him when he tires of her and literally picking up the other girl and placing her on him. The girl’s are almost like ragdolls, flopping around the bed getting jackhammer fucked in whichever position Blue feels like fucking them in. He even piles them on top of each other, going pussy to pussy. Blanche stuffs her tongue up Nataly’s ass getting her ready for, you know, anal sex. Nataly glides him just as the swanky music kicks in. Sadly Blanche never takes it in the ass and there are sleek edits made indicating that despite what the producer’s want you to think, no actual ass to mouth occurs. After screwing both girls he sprays his cum across their face and into their open mouths. They swap his cum.

Down the hall, dominatrix Tarra White interrupts Antonio Ross as he’s taking a shower. “Who are you?” he asks. Wearing a red fishnet body suit and carrying a swatter, she has him bend over against the counter where she smacks him on the ass. “What are you doing? I’m not into this shit!” he tells her. Eventually he takes the swatter away and the shit gets serious. He smacks her around and makes her gag on his cock. At one point, she pulls away and attempts to keep from vomiting her lunch across the bathroom floor. For that, she is met with a savage slap across her face which is so hard that it seems to jolt her. She freaks, flailing wildly at Ross with both clenched fists. Insane! After calming her down, he fucks her pussy and, later, her ass. White is looking haggard, with lots of bruises on her legs and unkempt hair that looks like it hasn’t been washed in weeks. What the hell? She sucks his cock out of her ass and consents to getting choked out while getting ass fucked. She appears to turn purple which gives Ross the signal to release her, you know, she doesn’t fucking die. She curls up in the fetal position, begging him to stop. Another round of anal, foot placed on her head, leaves her looking like she just run over by a train. She strokes him off across her face and into her mouth. She cleans him off. Rough sex. No… Insane sex!

Heading back to her cabin, Kortney Kane (2011′s “Grindhouse XXX: A Double Feature“) is intercepted in the hall by Toni Ribas who, in a bid to keep her quiet, takes her on a tour through the bowels of the ship, eventually arriving on the deck. They move towards the business end of the ship where, under the stars, they make love. Ribas tears up Kane’s shaved pussy in a half dozen positions, and The Bitch does her damndest to keep up. Lots of choking, some crazy gymnastics and even some foot fucking keeps the sex flowing nicely. He spurts across her face and into her open mouth. She cleans him off.

In the next bit, A.S.S. agents Dona Bell , Jon Jon (2011′s “Gangbanged 2“) and Mr. Pete sneak into the belly of the ship to discuss details of the mission. Once alone, all three seem more interested in getting freaky than actually talking shop. The boys trade off her shaved pussy and mouth before Jon Jon decides to sample some of that Bell ass, shoving up there while Pete chokes her out. Does it get any more romantic? Pete wants a turn, and Bell slides her ass down his cock. Company girl, Dona, has no problem consenting to a hard-pounding double penetration screw from her co-workers. Picking a side, the boys shoot their genetic rubbish across said designated cheek and boob.

Following another round of poker, A.S.S. agent Sophia Santi is dragged into the panty by Ian Scott who is feeling particularly hungry… and horny. The tattooed brunette plays coy but really it’s just a ruse to get Scott where she wants him (exhausted and laying flat on his face). With Ribas watching on from behind a corner, she gets into it, sucking Scott’s cock while he kneels on the counter. He lathers up her box in whip cream and eats it off. Yummy! They screw in about four positions but it’s on a cold and uncomfortable looking surface, so they don’t give as much as they could. Nothing sexy about fucking on chilled metal. He cums in her mouth and across her face. She cleans him off. Afterwards she stabs with him a needle which knocks him out. Ribas helps her get rid of the body and, using latex and lots of make-up, transforms himself into Ian Scott. Cue Lalo Schifrin’s “Mission Impossible” theme music. Seriously.

Joining the poker match later that night disguised as Scott, Ethan, with the help of some fake cards and Jon Jon’s sleight of hand, is able to transition power away from Scott and place it into Brossman’s hands, setting him for a big fall. With the whole thing recorded and his mission complete, Scott shows himself out of the room just as Melanie Memphis is showing herself in. Kane is also there and for whatever reason an orgy erupts. What’s that old saying, I went to a poker game and an orgy broke out? Brossman and Blue double up on Melanie, double penetrating her, while Ross and Kane have crazy multi-positioned sex on the other side of the couch. Melanie rubs herself off while getting double penetrated. She cums on their cocks. This seems to get Blue all hot and bothered and he pulls his cock free to feed it to her. The boys unload across her face and into her open mouth. She cleans them off. On the other hand, Ross’ in-the-mouth cumshot on Kane is clearly faked. Not long after, a bound and gagged Scott makes his way to the room and Blue and the boys realize that they’ve been had.

There’s a parting shot of the agents being airlifted to safety as the Feds prepare to converge on the cruise ship and make arrests.

No condoms.

No production dates given. Release Date: 8/24/2011.

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