Mad Dad Dan, the man responsible for such 80s parodies as “Flintbones“, “Splatman”, “Smeers”, “Nightmare on Dyke Street” and “Married With Hormones”, seemed to be having a ball penning this “Terminator” knock-off, something made abundantly clear about five minutes in when you realize that the hero-role essayed by Michael Biehn in the original is now being played by Ron Jeremy. Yes, Ron Jeremy. Kyle Reese, the highly trained soldier sent back through time to protect the object of his affections, has turned into a blubbery, slovenly Ron Jeremy. That bit of funny business aside, this is a predominantly deadpan take on the box office blockbuster that adheres to its source material fairly closely, with a few notable “porn” changes, of course.
In this version, a sex-obsessed cyborg known as the Penetrator (Woody Long) has been sent back through time by the artificially intelligent system known as Fishnet to, not terminate, but penetrate and impregnate Farrah Gonnor (Angela Summers). Charting the timeline of events to come, it is the product of this encounter, the birthing of a human/robot hybrid, that, if successful, helps to topple the human race, thus giving rise to the machines. Clearly a little coitus interruptus is in order, which brings us to Ron Jeremy, a sort of sex soldier (sex is really important in the future, as the dwindling human population is forever seeking to breed), who has also been shot backwards into time to track down Farrah and prevent said consummation from occurring.
Angela Summers, even with her huge breasts and cute looks, is mostly forgettable in the role made famous by Linda Hamilton. It’s curious why they chose her for this role. Ron Jeremy (2011′s “This Ain’t Lady Gaga XXX“), also totally miscast here, stands way out for all the wrong reasons. Forever with a zippy one-liner (from a well that never runs dry, it seems), he allows himself to be filmed bombing around Los Angeles in a too-small Moped, stealing pizza and holding up traffic. What a goofball this guy is. The late Woody Long, never an actor known his range, proved the perfect casting choice here for the role that made Arnold Schwarzenegger a household name. A former body-builder himself, Long looks every bit the menacing presence the producer’s need him to be and the fact that he went the extra step to mock up an Austrian accent (ala Ahnold), proves that he at least gave a shit, somewhat.
The only real problem I had with the film was that more time and effort wasn’t put into lighting the various scenes. Man, what a dim and murky show we have here, to the point where watching the film becomes unbearable at times. A perfect example of this non-existent lighting is during an orgy late in the film. Entirely obfuscated in a haze of smoke and shadows, it’s virtually impossible to tell who is screwing who, making for a long, boring fifteen minute stretch.
The film opens as an almost shot-for-shot recreation of the original, something that, I’m sure, will leave “Terminator” fans giddy with delight. Following a special effects light show, the Penetrator emerges out of the darkness, beats down a bunch of punks, steals one guy’s clothes and takes off in their graffiti-covered pink Cadillac. At the same time, across town, another special effects light show goes down resulting in everyone’s favorite hairy hedgehog emerging out of a trash bin wearing only a banana peel. He spooks some poor bum into giving him his clothes and later makes off with a pizza delivery guy’s Moped, stopping briefly to grab the guy’s pizza while making his getaway. Thus begins their parallel trek to find Farrah Gonnor.
Seeking out anyone in Los Angeles unlucky enough to share that name, the Penetrator is soon arriving at the doorstep of Trixie Tyler, the first Farrah Gonnor. She might not be the right one but that doesn’t stop him from pouncing on her and screwing her senseless. Hardly a rape playing out, Tyler, dressed in red negligee, is certainly down for a little afternoon sex. They run through three positions right there at the foot of a short staircase, ending with him drenching her face with semen. Some also manages to find its way into her mouth, which is gaping wide open. She cleans him off before tossing him a wink and a smile.
Elsewhere, the other Farrah Gonnor (Angela Summers) is prepping for a night out, that is until she is informed via an answering message that her date has had to cancel at the last minute. No worries, as her roommate, Brigitte Aime, is there to console her. They snuggle in bed for a bit, with Aime whispering sweet words of support into her ear. This seems to get Angela all hot and bothered and before long she’s getting naked and spreading her legs for her bi-curious Canadian friend. The fact that Brigitte seems less than thrilled at having to go mouth-on-genital with another girl, doesn’t stop Angela (whom I’ve always suspected might be more into girls than boys) from enjoying the moment. Hot!
Sufficiently cheered up and desperate for cock, Angela elects to head out to the bar by herself. Marc Wallice (1985′s “White Bunbusters“), Brigitte’s boyfriend, arrives soon after, picking up where Angela left off. Since she’s already heated up from her earlier girl/girl skirmish, Wallice just eases into Brigitte’s hole with nary any hint towards fuzzy sweet-nothings. Sadly, their evening of love-making is interrupted by the… dun dun dun… Penetrator, who charges into the room and, thinking Brigitte is Farrah, immediately begins screwing her. Wallice does his best to stop him, even smashing a beer bottle over his head, but nothing works. Marc is forced to sit and watch as the unstoppable sun-glasses wearing force power-fucks an orgasm out of his girlfriend. Helpless to stop it, Wallice decides to just go with it, crawling back onto the bed and joining in. Seeing as how Long is already occupying her front door, he decides to slip himself up Aime’s backdoor, making for an impromptu double penetration session. Aime, with her husky Lauren Bacall voice, growls her approval. She starts slamming herself back on both dicks. It’s hot! Wallice sends a drop shot down her crack while Long fakes an internal orgasm. In the aftermath, Long discovers that he’s been duped and violently dispatches the pair (off camera, of course).
As all of this is going on, Ron Jeremy, utilizing addresses from the phone book, slowly tracks his way across Los Angeles on his moped seeking out Farrah. He’s burdened by flashbacks of his past, which play out on-screen as glimpses of a dystopian future; of starving, filthy rebels huddled into darkened warehouses having sex. The participants include Anastasia, Flame, Nikki Wilde, Traci Winn, Trixie Tyler, Biff Malibu, Ron Jeremy and Sebastian. I had a hell of a time differentiating one person from the other, as smoke and a wretched lighting arrangement (or lack thereof), hinder nearly every element of the scene. Barely visible is Ron Jeremy screwing pale-skinned Flame and cumming on her ass. Biff Malibu (aka Christopher Alexander, owner of Anabolic Video), wearing a goalie cage, throws a savage fucking at Trixie Tyler (in a dual role), ending with him spraying off a wicked load that reaches from her pussy to her neck. Sebastian, who may or may not be the director of this little opus, sprays his load across his real-life girlfriend (and frequent scene partner), Nikki Wilde. She cleans him off. *sigh* I haven’t the energy to even try to figure out all the other pairings only to say that there was a lot of action going on… in the dark.
Jeremy’s persistence pays off and he eventually stumbles upon Angela in an empty parking lot… and not a moment too soon. Utilizing a porn magazine fold-out, Jeremy is able to distract the Penetrator long enough to get Angela to safety. Holing up in a nearby apartment, Ron lays out to a bewildered Angela Summers via rambling speech the present and future events that have lead up to this point. In one take, Jeremy delivers what might be one of the longest, continuous exposition speeches in porn history. We’re talking two pages of dialogue in one sitting. Way to go, Ron. Very impressive!
Undeterred in his quest, it doesn’t take long for the Penetrator to track the pair down to the small, shabby apartment. He makes short work of Jeremy, knocking him unconscious, and piles on Angela who doesn’t do much to fend him off. The big climactic moment where the Penetrator (Long) and Farrah (Summers) consummate proves a fairly decent sex scene. Hilariously, it’s Summers’ orgasmic cries, loud enough to wake Jeremy, that end up saving the day. Utilizing a blow-up doll, Jeremy distracts and confuses the Penetrator, forcing him to pull out and orgasm across Angela’s pubes. With his sole objective to breed with her dashed, the film ends with Jeremy winking into the camera.
No production dates given. Release Date: 1991.