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Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies

Year: 2011
Runtime: 80
Distributor: JM Productions
Studio: JM Productions
Our Score

Wanting to cash in on the Twilight craze but not willing to invest artistically (or financially) in a full-length parody, Jim Powers takes one of the key scenes from the film – the big reveal – and has an absolute ball re-assembling it within a porno context. Every movement and every line of dialogue in that sequence seems pillaged for maximum chuckles. And Xander Corvus (2010’s “Naughty Nanny 3“) has just the acting chops to pull it off.

In the film’s only other original scene, Evan Stone mocks up a really bad Al Bundy for a quickie with Ashley Reeves. It’s forgettable. The remainder of the film’s runtime includes a scene from “Naughty Little Nymphos 3″ and another apparently never released one, featuring blonde Lea De Mae that is easily 10 years old.

 

As much as I enjoyed the three Devil’s Film parody versions as well as Chris Seaver’s silly “Taintlight” (especially Miranda Bonetwig – talk about dreamy!), this is the one Twilight parody that absolutely nails it. Absolutely!

Romanticizing blood thirsty monsters have made author Stephanie Meyer a very wealthy woman. Her books have been making young girls wet and young boys restless for years, so it only proper that male pornographer, Jim Powers, come along and cut through all the fluff to get the meat of the matter, literally. For all those poor pussy-whipped guys out there forced to sit through three separate Twilight movies, in hopes of leveraging a little tail on the backend, Powers happily delivers all the stuff only hinted at, including twenty minutes of Bella Swan getting slammed by Edward’s cold, shiny vampire dick.

 

{Twilight XXX} Leapfrogging over the expository crap we all know and hate, the opening segment of this film picks up in the forest outside the school as Edward Cullen (Xander Corvus) confronts Bella Swan (“Babysitter Diaries 4” star Jennifer White) about her suspicions that he might be a vampire. She runs down a litany of evidence pointing to his being one of the legion of the undead. When she is finished, he commands her to, you know: “Say it… out loud.” Timidly, she replies: “Vampire.” Yawn.

 

Taking her to the top of the mountain, he shows her what he looks like in the sun, the camera panning down to his unsheathed gleaming cock. “It’s like a hard diamond. It’s beautiful” White says, chomping down on her bottom lip. She wants it – every shining inch of it. “We can’t, Bella. Vampire cock is an opiate,” he mutters, declining her advances. “Why did you hate me so much when we met?” she asks him, referring to their ridiculous first meeting (see the movie… or… wait… um… don’t!). “The smell of your pussy was intoxicating,” he says. Jennifer blushes. Back at his pad, they rub at each other’s crotches building towards their inevitable screw. Hey, this is porn. They run through about four positions, ending with Xander spraying his load across her face and into her open mouth, In a parting voice-over narration, White confides that she is absolutely in love with that “vampire cock of his.”  Hey, it’s porn.

 

{Frankenstein XXX} The next segment (which originally appeared as scene 2 of “Naughty Little Nymphos 3″) recreates the classic scene from James Whales’ classic “Frankenstein”, in which Boris Karloff, as the monster, confronts a little girl by a lake. Before we get there, Johnny Thrust rushes off to the store leaving his horny teenage daughter (“Filthy First Timers 12” star Mariah Wind) alone by the pool. Claudio (2001’s “Rock ‘N Roll Midget‘) in the role of Frankenstein’s monster, emerges from the brush growling and carrying on. The young lady takes it all in stride, before asking him the most important question of all: “Do you want to see my tits?” He does. She goes to work on the monster between his legs. “Can I go for a ride?” she asks, mocking a little girl voice, and sounding positively adorable. Covered in tattoos and with her reddish-brown hair in braids, Mariah is a knock-out. It’s too bad she only made a handful of films before retiring in late 2000. After a trio of positions, old Claudio blasts off across her face and into her open mouth. She cleans him off. She wants to go another round, which scares the monster back into the brush from which he emerged.

 

{Married With Children XXX} Another instance of Powers and crew not wanting to commit to a full-length parody feature, this one really heats up as it pushes into some very kinky territory. Ever dreamt of seeing Al Bundy fucking his daughter, Kelly? No? Yeah, me neither, but the JM guys offer it up on a platter next. In the scene, which I couldn’t place and have determined is most likely original, Evan Stone (2011’s “Official Hogan Knows Best Parody“), in the role of hopeless Al Bundy is home alone trying to masturbate to a magazine. He’s interrupted mid-stroke by his daughter, Kelly (Ashley Reeves), who has arrived home with a letter from his wife, Peg. It seems she’s leaving Al for another man. In closing, she offers up a shocking little secret – that Kelly isn’t really his daughter. After unloading this bit of information on her, Kelly decides to make her up-to-that-second-father feel better by giving him a shot at well-worn pussy. He wants to but the thought of sleeping with his suddenly ex-daughter nauseates him. Looking at her gets to be too much and before long, they are making the beast of two backs in a whole host of positions. “Do you like that, daddy?” Ashley whispers, as she slaps her pussy down onto Evan’s cock in rc. In side-saddle, Evan absolutely goes to work on his former daughter. “Daddy, your cock feels so good,” she tells him. Kinky! I feel dirty writing it. After a couple more positions Evan busts his spunk across her face. She cleans him off.

 

{This Isn’t Where The Wild Things Are} An in-title only nod to Maurice Sendak’s 1963 children’s book of the same name (and possibly Spike Jonze’s film), finds a ten year old (apparently never released) scene being dusted off and inserted into this parody collection. Kind of strange that this never ended up in one of JM’s Perverted Stories volumes. In a voice-over narration, we learn that Lea De Mae has being grounded for wearing a Toucan Sam costume to a party (?) and turning some local boys on. After telling her mother to “Fuck off!” Lea De Mae drifts off to sleep in her room only to wake up hours later in mystical land surrounded by deep valleys and crystal streams. After sailing across a pond to a small island, she encounters a pair of hairy bird monsters- or “the wild things” – in the deep forest. Using her wand, Lea asserts her dominance over them. She then dives in to suck on their very human-looking dicks for no apparent reason. They screw her, including anal sex and a double penetration that looks more awkward than erotic. Decked out in cumbersome, over-sized costumes, I’m surprised that Johnny Thrust (2007’s “Ass Blasting Felching Anal Whores“) and Dave Hardman (1999’s “Mila: The Queen of Nasty – The Wreckage“) were able to stay erect throughout, especially considering how hot it must have been in there. Folks into furry sex will surely get a rise out of this one. Both guys spray off into her mouth and she cleans them off. They want to eat her, literally, so she bids them goodbye and returns home.

No condoms.

Dates of Production: 11/22/2010, 11/23/2010. Release Date: 6/13/2011

Posted by JLB-Videotramp | 03 Oct 2011 | Reviews

7 Comments

  1. Muffin Tops « VideoTramp
    06 Oct 2011, 1:22 am

    [...] has a bit of a muffin top. In tears, she looks to her boyfriend, Dave Hardman (2011′s “Twilight The Porno And Other XXX Parodies“), to comfort her. He decides to ease her mind by telling her a little story about how he [...]

  2. [...] rundown of the players, many of whom are the same old, same old: Evan Stone (2011′s “Twilight The Porno And Other XX Parodies“), porn’s central go-to guy, plays the title character, Stan Smith, a staunch [...]

  3. [...] opening tussle between Jennifer White (2011′s “Twilight The Porno And Other XXX Parodies“) and Chris Johnson (2011′s “XXX Avengers“) in a darkened, bluish-lit room [...]

  4. [...] to the film’s strangest (read: sleaziest) encounters, Johnny Thrust (2011′s “Twilight The Porno And Other XXX Parodies“) plays a child-like autistic guy (think Hoffman in “Rain Man”) married to a [...]

  5. Allie Haze: True Sex « VideoTramp
    18 Jan 2012, 12:17 am

    [...] Marco Banderas (2010′s “Candy Ass“), Evan Stone (2011′s “Twilight The Porno And Other XXX Parodies“) and Jerry (2010′s “Getting Off With Monique“). From what I can tell, this [...]

  6. [...] Stone (2011′s “Twilight The Porno And Other XXX Parodies“), in underwear knitted from a U.K.flag, performs a song and dance routine that is an obvious [...]

  7. [...] as a fan of the series (the books or the films), prepare to be disappointed. Might I suggest “Twilight The Porno And Other XXX Parodies” which at least does a decent mock-up of one very important key scene and leaves you feeling [...]

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Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies Title
Xander Corvus and Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Xander Corvus and Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Xander Corvus in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Xander Corvus and Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Xander Corvus and Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Xander Corvus and Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Xander Corvus and Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Xander Corvus and Jennifer White in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Mariah Wind and Johnny Thrust in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Claudio in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Claudio and Mariah Wind in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Mariah Wind and Claudio in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Mariah Wind and Claudio in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Mariah Wind and Claudio in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Evan Stone and Ashley Reeves in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Ashley Reeves in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Ashley Reeves and Evan Stone in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Ashley Reeves and Evan Stone in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Evan Stone and Ashley Reeves in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Lea De Mae in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Lea De Mae, Dave Hardman and Johnny Thrust in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Lea De Mae in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Lea De Mae and Dave Hardman in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Lea De Mae, Johnny Thrust and Dave Hardman in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies
Lea De Mae in Twilight The Porno and Other XXX Parodies