What a mess. What starts out as a fairly promising premise quickly devolves into just another pointless, boring vignette collection. I’m still trying to figure out what those 10 things to hate about love are and who it is that’s hating them.
Having been burned by some past relationships, Nikki Benz, a successful flower shop owner in Los Angeles, decides to embark on a life of one night stands only – free of love and commitment. “I live for the moment,” she declares in an opening narration. Yes, I’m sure you’ve seen this movie before and you have it all figured out, as I thought I did. At some point in the film Benz is going to meet someone who will turn her head around to the idea of romance and she will run off with him (or her) and live happily ever after. It’s practically a cliché at this point but it’s a cliché that I actually enjoy. I actually prefer formulaic love stories as lame as that sounds and I was hoping for a bit of that here. Sadly, that doesn’t happen. Not here. Not with this film. Benz all but disappears after scene 2 and her little Victoria Betteridge inspired story-line goes absolutely friggin’ nowhere, as if she dropped out of the production midway in, and Rocco had to scramble to fill in the rest of the film on the fly. In her place is Rocco Reed (2011′s “Badass School Girls 5“), the writer and director of this mess, whom, we discover, works at the flower shop alongside Benz. He spends the remainder of the film trying to line up a date for himself while dealing flowers to a host of customers, each of whom are shown having sex at some point. Rocco, I know you have at least one good love story in you, so bring Benz back and finish her story for chrissakes!
Silly. Mostly boring sex. Camera angles that look down on the action like some kind of surveillance footage. About the only really good thing I took away from this is a couple of really great songs. It seems the producers of these movies are finally licensing some fairly decent indie music for use in their productions. If only they would start crediting the folks making the music.
If Reed’s intent is to show that sex without romance can be boring, then he makes his point with the opening Nikki Benz/Mick Blue screw. What a yawnfest. Nikki Benz, with all of her fake gargantuan boobs and fake moans, and Blue, with all of his robotic, emotionless sexing, this scene is just a chore to endure. Having met at a bar, they race back to Benz’s place for a one night stand. She gives Mick (2010′s “Slut Tracker 1“) a messy bj followed by sex in three positions. It ends with him ejaculating on those floatation devices she calls her boobs. She cleans him off. The next morning, Blue asks her if she’d like to go out for a dinner and movie. She declines: “Not to be rude, but no thank you. Oh, and when you leave can you close the door behind you.”
It’s Valentine’s Day and Christian XXX (2011′s “House Of Ass 14“), a newly-hired college basketball coach, arrives at Benz’s flower shop looking for something for his girl, Kristina Rose. She sets him up with an arrangement on the house. See, kids, this intimates that deep down Benz is really quite the romantic, despite her proclamations to the contrary. Own it, because that’s the last time Benz appears in the film. *sigh* Back at his pad, Rose is, as expected, delighted, and elects to throw some ‘thank you’ sex Christian’s way. They screw on top of her flowers which slowly come unattached and spread out across the bed creating a sort of blanket of roses. Cute. Rose, fresh off her hilarious tough-talking super-hero turn in “XXX Avengers“, has a great little booty and it’s a joy watching it bounce as she gets screwed. They run through about five positions ending with Christian dumping his load across Rose’s boobs. She cleans him off.
The next day, Bill Bailey (2011′s “Official Hogan Knows Best Parody“) laments to his best-buddy Rocco Reed, who is watching the shop for Benz, about how he can’t seem to get this one girl he’s been dating for weeks to sleep with him. What starts out as a typical guy-talk sex-convo, quickly shifts gears as Reed presses him and Bailey admits that, yeah, he thinks he might be falling in love with her, hence his reason for staying with her even after so many sexless weeks. Reed suggests that Bill lay out his case to her and see how she reacts. So, later that night, after an evening out, Bailey tells Kiara Diane (2009′s “This Ain’t Ghost Hunters XXX“), the girlfriend, how he feels -that he loves her. As it turns out, she’s been having the same feelings towards him. They decide it’s time to take their relationship to the next level. Kiara Diane, the cover-girl, is pretty, has long blonde hair, medium/small tits, navel piercing, several tattoos and a tight little body. They run through four positions and Bailey dumps his load across Diane’s pubes and tummy.
When Allie Haze (2011′s “Adventures In Babysitting“) drops into the shop looking for flowers for her special someone, Reed immediately assumes that Haze’s special someone is a guy. He offers her a basketball filled with flowers – on the house. Haze is in a rush, so off she goes basketball bouquet in hand. Of course, her lover is actually Dana DeArmond (2011′s “Official Halloween Parody“) and her reaction to Haze’s gift is both funny and sweet. They take turns licking and poking each other and then a pair of dildos are brought into play and I fell asleep.
Gracie Glam (2011′s “Incredible Hulk: A XXX Porn Parody“) arrives at the shop as it’s closing looking to drop off a resume. Really it’s just an excuse to see Rocco, who is completely blind to the fact that Glam likes him. They break into a discussion about dating and Rocco laments to her, for no apparent reason, about how girls don’t seem to go for him and how he’s lonely or something. Glam makes her play, and before long the two are going at it. It’s five positions with a brief stop to let Rocco lick Glam’s anus all romantic-like before getting back into it. Ug! Reed nuts on her ass.
No production dates given. 8/10/2011.
Other things I noted while watching: All girls are barefoot during their scenes except Glam, who wore pink high heels.
Cast & Crew
- Matt Stevens
- Jayne Chesterfield
- Pork Chop
- Mario Pacino