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This Ain’t Conan the Barbarian XXX – This Is a Parody

Year: 2011
Runtime: 110
Distributor: Hustler Video
Studio: Hustler Video
Our Score

Pornifying Robert E. Howard’s monsterous Conan The Barbarian, might seem like a daunting task for any director, but not for industry legend Stuart Canterbury (1991’s “Juice Box“), a guy who carved out a name for himself in the business as the helmer of some of the best and biggest budgeted adult movies to come out of the 1980s (under the old S.E.V.P. label). Merging elements of the original Conan movie, it’s much maligned sequel and Ridley Scott’s Gladiator, this film tracks Conan from lowly slave to full-bore adventurer and warrior as he seeks to avenge the death of his parents.

 

Loaded with acting extras and making use of green screen (apparently shooting in Spain was too costly), Canterbury looks to create the look and feel of a grand sword and sorcery epic on a small scale budget. While it’s fairly clear that most of the scenes are digitally composed, and there aren’t any real moments of actual on-screen violence, the movie still manages to work on a number of levels, including as a masturbatory aid (the scenes are hot!) and as a good adventure film. There’s also some comedy bits to keep things moving along.

 

Body-builder Lee Stone (2011’s “Incredible Hulk: A XXX Porn Parody“) does a fine job getting Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Austrian accent down, and he even kind of looks like him. Tommy Gunn’s Subotai, Conan’s partner in mayhem, is funny and fast-talking, while Jazy Berlin brings a certain edge to her role as thief and Conan’s central love-interest, Valeria. Besting them all is adult industry veteran Sean Michaels (2011’s “Captain America XXX: An Extreme Comixxx Parody“),  in the Thulsa Doom part originally played by James Earl Jones. He has the film’s lengthiest bit of dialogue and delivers it with as much gravitas as Mr. Jones himself. No really, he does. Also look for the never credited narrator (this guy is in everything but is never given a credit) who shows up, unannounced, to provide, for a price, Conan and crew directions. Hilarious!

 

In the first scene, slave girl Jayden Cole (2011’s “Sex Driven“) is brought to the cell of Conan, who is practicing with a sword. The intent is to have her breed with him, but sadly, Jayden does nothing for him. “He must be blind and dumb,” the un-credited guard mutters to himself. Jayden does everything in her womanly power to get the big man’s attention, including whacking herself with a cat o’ nine tails, stuffing massive gold color balls in her vagina (a whole bunch at a time) and rubbing herself off to orgasm. At one she manages to jam a handful of huge balls up her lady-hole and proceeds to hold them in there while masturbating herself to orgasm(ish). Hot! Only after she finishes does Lee decide to join her although we never get to see them consummate, as the scene cuts away.

 

The next night, Conan’s owner (“Don’t Tell My Wife I Assfucked The Babysitter 6” star Kyle Stone, in a bad wig and moustache) for some never fully-clarified reason, elects to set his slave free. Lee wanders off into the darkness, eventually arriving at cabin of Asphyxia (credits: Asphyxia Noir) hungry and desperate for a place to stay. She has no problem offering him food and board but she wants something in return. If you guessed sex then you’ve probably seen more than one adult movie in your life. Pale-skinned, black-haired Asphyxia is literally covered in tattoos including a number of them (stars) around her eyes. Nothing short of total hotness, and Stone has no problem grunting his way barbarian-like through a steamy multi-positioned screw with her. He ejaculates on her pubes.

 

Afterwards, she morphs into a demon-witch thing and attempts to kill him. He kills her instead and, on the way out, frees her slave, a fast-talking wise guy, Subotai (“Spread Eagle” star Tommy Gunn). They become fast-friends, traveling North, to Zamora in search of the man who killed Stone’s parents.

 

On their journey, they happen upon a man selling items off his cart. Impressed with his big-breasted, semi-naked wife (“Carwash Orgy” star Brandy Aniston), Gunn barters for the chance to make love to her. Reluctant at first, the seller eventually agrees. With the sound of a plane buzzing overhead (I kid you not!) Gunn screws Aniston’s shaved box in three positions out by an old wooden bridge in the forest. He scampers up to blast his load into her mouth and across her face. She cleans him up.

 

Arriving at Shadizar, they confront a beautiful thief, Valeria (“Pubic Enemy” star Jazy Berlin). She is there ahead of them looking to steal some of Thulsa’s diamonds and is forced to join their little posse as they endeavour to escape his lair of snakes. A couple of tight spots and a dive into long-way-down ravine, and the trio manage to come away with a hefty bounty. For that, they are brought to see the King Osric (another un-credited actor – there are so many!) who informs Conan that his daughter has run off with Michaels’ and he wants her back. He tasks the trio with arrriving her at his feet.

 

Before setting off to the Temple of Set and their likely demise, Conan (Stone) and Valeria (Berlin) decide to have a quaint fireside fuck to relieve the stress. Jazy is looking supremely hot in her warrior garb and looks even better getting slammed by wild-man Stone in a very animalistic fashion. While screwing in reverse cowgirl, poor Jazy nearly has to nearly squat to keep up. He dumps a fair-sized load into her mouth and she licks the head.

 

At the Temple of Set, Thulsa (Michaels) makes time with the King’s daugher, Missy Maze. Maze is a hot brunette with a great body, medium-sized tits and a shaved pussy. Michaels slithers in there all smooth-like, giving it to Missy in three slow-grind positions. He hisses forth his genetic venom across her pubes and Princess garb.

 

In the sprint to the finish, Conan, Subotai and Valeria storm Thulsa’s bedroom looking to destroy. Valeria is killed by an arrow meant for Subotai (offering Berlin the chance to do a rare-to-porn death scene. Sheesh, I honestly can’t recall the last time I saw a death scene in a frickin’ porn movie. Awesome!) “Don’t worry, I’ll be back,” she whispers before fading away. *sigh* Her passing sets up the final scene, and a hilarious back and forth between Conan and Thulsa that gets even more wacky when a tough-talking Valeria arrives in ghostly form to lend her man some advice and the push he needs to send Thulsa all the way back to hell… in bits and pieces.

Great fun! Great work, Stu!

No condoms

No production dates given. Release Date: 8/30/2011

Other things I noted while watching: Jayen Cole and Asphyxia were barefoot in their scenes. Brandy Aniston, Jazy Berlin and Missy Maze wore flat-footed shoes.

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Posted by JLB-Videotramp | 08 Sep 2011 | Reviews

7 Comments

  1. [...] the way her arranges the corpses, on the loose. Massive, imposing Lee Stone (2011′s “This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX – This Is A Parody“) is perfectly cast here as the seemingly indestructible psycho. Doesn’t take much [...]

  2. [...] tagging along with her into the Maryland forest. They include Brandy Aniston (2011′s “This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX – This Is A Parody“), Daisy Layne (2010′s “Trash Talk“), Nikki Daniels, Dick Chibbles [...]

  3. [...] troopers in this movie are hot females? No? Well, they are. Brandy Aniston (2011′s “This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX – This Is A Parody“) and Eve Laurence are quick to get out of their get-up and get some of that Wookie dick. [...]

  4. [...] the whole thing. It’s Black Cat played the gorgeous Jazy Berlin (2011′s “This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian – This Is A XXX Parody“) and she’s looking positively yummy in her black leather outfit. ComicBookGirl19 hat [...]

  5. Bangkok Wives « VideoTramp
    09 Mar 2013, 3:26 am

    [...] as believable. Oh well, what can you do? In a supporting role, Slick Rhodes (2011′s “This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX – This Is A Parody“), a fantastic character actor in his own right, pretty much steals the show. Turning up the [...]

  6. Stuart Canterbury
    28 Sep 2013, 6:45 pm

    Thank you for your kind review. Glad you enjoyed my movie!

    Stuart Canterbury
    Director

  7. Down the Rabbit Hole « VideoTramp
    09 Oct 2013, 4:19 pm

    [...] goth-goddess, Asphyxia Noir (2010′s “This Ain’t Conan the Barbarian: – This Is A XXX Parody“), brings the hawtness in the first scene, writhing in bed wearing a red bra, red panties, [...]

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Cast & Crew

Female Performers:
Male Performers:
Directors:
Producers:
Editors:
Make-up:
Production Manager:
  • David Park
Director of Photography:
  • Jake Jacobs
Gaffer:
  • Shaun Rivera
Best Boy:
  • Dizzy Cash
Electician:
  • Sly
Sound:
  • Jordan
Talent Coordinator:
  • Jennifer Larson
Still Photographer:
  • Mark Star
Production Assistant:
  • Hal Capone
Set Design:
  • XXX Ray
Assistant Editor:
  • Marco Salvatore
VFX Producer:
  • Alexis Bordeaux
VFX Supervisor:
  • Rick Hungus
CG Lead:
  • Matt Finchley
VFX Artists:
  • Dimo Jenkins III
  • Ca$h Eugene
  • Jerry Catalina
  • Taffey Lewis

Images

thisaintconanthebarbarianxxxdvdfront
This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody Title
Sean Michaels in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Jayden Cole in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Jayden Cole and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Asphyxia  and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Asphyxia  and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Asphyxia  in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Tommy Gunn and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Tommy Gunn and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Brandy Aniston in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Tommy Gunn and Brandy Aniston in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Tommy Gunn, Jazy Berlin and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Tommy Gunn, Jazy Berlin and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Jazy Berlin and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Tommy Gunn, Jazy Berlin and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Jazy Berlin and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Jazy Berlin and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Missy Maze and Sean Michaels in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Sean Michaels in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Jazy Berlin and Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody
Lee Stone in This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX - This Is a Parody

Videos

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This Ain’t Conan the Barbarian XXX – This Is a Parody Trailer
Hustler parodies comes out with another gem. Who doesn’t love Conan the Barbarian? Well now its time to see Conan in a whole new way. Hustler’s high tech, sultry interpretation of this science fiction classic is a must see.
Posted by 09 Sep 2011 | Full Video Post »