No story. No attempts at catchy lyrical mockery. Extremely minimal set-ups, hitched to an only-slightly clever opening segment, yup, it’s pretty clear early on that another Lee Roy Meyers parody rush job is pulling up to the station. *sigh*

 

Emerging as one of the most prolific makers of parody-themed porn in the past two years, Lee Roy Meyers (2011′s “Simpsons: The XXX Parody“), a Canadian, proudly touts his ability to complete two parodies in a single day and still arrive home in time for dinner. Two movies in a single day is fine when you’re shooting strictly run-and-gun gonzo, but when you’re shooting parody movies? Not so much. Doesn’t exactly intimate that a lot of time and energy is being put into fleshing out actual things to parody when your ticking down a five hour shooting schedule. Axel Braun is another guy who produces his fair share of similar type parodies and while he has the odd dud (cough. “Superman XXX: A Porn Parody“. cough) there’s generally a sense that at least a modicum of time and effort went into his works. Typically the scripts are clever and witty and, in the case of “This Ain’t Lady Gaga XXX“, you might actually come away with an entire music track – a badly composed one, but one, nonetheless. But even comparing Meyer’s “Katy Pervy: The XXX Parody” to Braun’s “This Ain’t Lady Gaga XXX” is sort of like comparing oranges you threw out two weeks ago to a pristine freshly picked apple. It’s no contest.

 

Now that I’ve taken a healthy shit on my fellow countryman, let me go in the other direction for just a minute and point out that Meyers absolutely, hands-down, knows how to shoot (with cameraman Paul Woodcrest) and edit (with his wife, Honey, assisting) great sex scenes. While I’m forever disappointed with the substance of his parodies, I almost always come away loving the sex. Like the masters before him, Bruce Seven and early Alex DeRenzy, Meyers prefers a slow-cook style to the frenetic, jackhammer sex we’ve become accustomed to in recent years thanks to the glut of 30 minutes or less gonzo. Personally, that’s more my style. This is best exemplified in a lingering close-up near the end of the film featuring Kimberly Kane and Lexi Swallow’s vaginas paused on a bed mere inches apart. With the two participants breathlessly talking about how badly they want each other, ever-so-slowly they begin to converge, eventually arriving at a heavenly shot of the two clits slowly cramming together. They begin to rub and soon find a rhythm. It quickly ramps up to a full-tilt clit-to-clit grind session. Now that’s how you shoot sex.

 

Mildly clever  is the opening take on Katy Perry’s infamous Sesame Street controversy. For those not in the know, back in early 2010, Perry, along with Elmo, the furry, red puppet character, co-hosted a segment on the popular kids show, only to have it pulled by a Sesame Steet exec who felt the singer’s choice of attire was a little too revealing. It garnered Perry plenty of media buzz and she rode that wave right onto the Saturday Night Live set where she appeared in a Sesame Street parody wearing a very low-cut Elmo T-shirt. Kimberly Kane, while not as gifted in the bustular region as the singer she’s mocking, she does bare a slight resemblance to her, depending on the camera angle; and her overly-confident take-no-shit attitude is spot on. However, I don’t think Kane has anywhere near the inflated ego. Not that many people do. It’s not like it’s a secret that Katy Perry is an epic Chloe Sevigny-sized bitch who has been known to have drivers fired for merely looking in her direction. Possibly the one commendable thing Perry has ever done in her life was quashing her very public beef with Lady Gaga long enough to shoot one of those “It Gets Better” PSA’s after Gaga reached out to her. The “It Gets Better” campaign, dear to Gaga’s heart, is a response to the startling number of teen suicides and bullying in the LGBT community. Katy Perry is the daughter of pastor and she… Oops, bit of a rant there. Sorry about that. Lost my train of thought.

 

Anyway, after the shoot Elmo… er… Elmer (the puppet) can’t stop staring at her rack and lets her know that he desperately wants to make sweet sweet love to her. “Once you go red and fuzzy you never go back,” he tells Katy in his sqeaky high-pitched voice. Katie is intrigued: “Well, I’ve never been with a puppet before.” Not long after they are making plans to go back to Katy’s hotel for some alone-time. Somehow once in their room, cute, cuddly Elmo morphs into Anthony Rosano (2010′s “Angel Face“) in a red furry suit, complete with a hole that gives Katy (Kane) instant access to his raging hard-on. Kane and Rosano have done some sweltering scenes together in the past including in Sam Hain’s “Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody” and it’s sequel, so I had high hopes for this one and I wasn’t disappointed. Here, it’s all POV, as Kane methodically rides him in three positions, all while breathlessly annotating certain letters and the words that start with them ala Sesame Street. “F is the word of the day. It begins many great words like – Fuck.” Bizarre and hot, the scene ends with Kane stroking Rosano off to a smallish load across her stomach.

 

Having collaborated on California Gurls, Snoop Dogg… er… Snoop Dong (“Revenge Cuckold” star D. Snoop) decides to call up Katy to find out how she’s doing. Shades of “Airplane” and “Airplane 2″, their convo is all ghetto-slang and subtitles are required to decipher what is being said. Not long after hanging up, Kei$ha… er… Ka$$ha (Chastity Lynn) arrives in his dressing room, wanting to thank him for letting her open his show. Snoop is horny and desperate to mount something… anything… so Lynn offers herself to him, adding, “Let’s do this.” Chastity Lynn (2010′s “This Isn’t Fast Times At Ridgemont High“) is one feisty little lady (last year, on all the adult gossip forums, she put out a release looking for men to come by her place and gang fuck her for her birthday). She stuffs four fingers up her ass continuously (stopping periodically to suck on them) while getting her shaved box plowed by Snoop in three positions. He squirts a huge load across both of her ass cheeks and she reaches around, scoops it up and stuffs the gunk into her mouth, although not before stuffing her fingers up-to-the-knuckles into her ass first. What a nasty girl.

 

Feeling lonely, Katy decides to ring up her hubby, Russell Brand… er… Russell Gland (Brian Street Team, in a seriously bad wig) at home. There’s a running joke about how Brand’s entire comic range hinges on his ability to attach “igly” to every word he says, somehow making it seem funny. The more you think about it, the more you realize that it’s actually kind of true. After getting off the phone with her, the camera pulls back to reveal that he’s not alone in his house. Rihanna… er… Rihandjob (“House Of Ass 14” star Misty Stone, in a red wig) has stopped by the rude boy’s place knowing that Katy is on tour. She’s looking for some attention of the carnal kind and seeing as how Brand/Grand is an admitted sex addict, he has no issues throwing her a multi-positioned screw. “You’re going to love the way I lie… on you,” she tells him. *double sigh* Stone is looking her usual hotness, with her shaved pussy, short red wig and fingerless gloves (my buddy at houseofselfindulgence will be happy to hear this, I’m sure). The same can’t be said for her partner, the scuzzy, tattoo canvas-man himself, Brian Street Team. He unloads across her face and into her open mouth including a huge wad on her left eye. She chomps on the end of his dick, before winking at the camera.

 

Lady Gaga… er… Lady Gagger (Lexi Swallow, in a blonde wig – I still prefer Helly Mae Hellfire as Gaga, but Lexi is a tall glass of hotness so I won’t fret much) stops by later that evening to chat with Katy about her new condom dress. Katy is feeling down, confiding to Gaga that she thinks that Russell might be having an affair. “You did cheat on him with a stuffed animal,” Gaga reminds her. Katy, wigged-out in blue, surmises that because it’s a puppet, she’s not technically cheating. I’d think fucking a puppet would actually be a vast improvement over fucking Brand but that’s just me. Katy believes that it’s really only cheating when it’s with another man. So, since sex with another woman isn’t cheating technically, Gaga sees this as her window to put the moves on Katy, muttering, “Why don’t you let me show you my poke-her face.” Really? Seriously? All that set-up junk out of the way, the two gals have a agonizingly hot make-out session leading me to wonder why more directors don’t shoot long, hot, slow-grind, girl-on-girl make-out sessions anymore, at least in mainstream porn? Oh wait, because somebody determined that a 20 minute shot of Erik Everhard’s dick going in and out of a pussy at 200 miles an hour is far more erotic. No wonder the industry is on a downward spiral. Volcanic scene here as industry newbie Lexi Swallow (2011′s “Official Halloween Parody“) gets worked over by a horny-as-fuck Kimberly Kane, still buzzing from her earlier love-making session with Anthony Rosano. Having spent the better part of the last decade in porn, Kane has slept her way through more women than most men could ever dream of and here she takes special care in devouring this blonde-haired hottie including jamming four fingers in her, sucking on her clit, tonguing her anus and dirty talking her (“I kissed your pussy and I liked it.”) leading to the big moment I mentioned in paragraph deux. “You wanna rub our clits together and make us fucking cum?” Kane asks Lexi. A hot little scissor legged clit to clit grind session transpires (see above for a more in-depth description) and it made my friggin’ day.

No condoms.

Dates of Production: 12/11/10. Release Date: 4/25/2011

Other things I noted while watching:

Lee Roy Meyers is credited as Lee Roy Myers for his four credits (Director, Producer, Writer and Editor)

Kimberly Kane is barefoot in scene 1 and wore open-toed black high heels in scene 4. Chastity Lynn wore boots. Misty Stone wore black high heels in her scene and Lexi Swallow wears black knee high leather boots with stiletto heels.

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