In the vein of “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories”, Axel Braun’s latest celeb spoof outing for Hustler plays as a week in the life of iconic singer/celebrity Lady Gaga, unfolding in a manner similar to of one of those MTV “Behind the Music” episodes. Gaga’s wacky fashion sense, her political leanings and tireless gay rights advocacy, infamous Larry King appearance and even her rumoured frantic romp with Ron Jeremy (yes, he appears!) in an LA bathroom, are tapped for giggles here. Various celebrities including Beyonce, Kanye, Madonna (impersonators, duh!) appear in straight-to-camera addresses, ready to offer their two cents on the controversial figure. Even Sarah Palin takes time off from her bus tour to weigh in and, of course, announce her candidacy for President.

 

Helly Mae Hellfire (credits: Helly Mae) bares a slight resemblance to Gaga (only 100% hotter) and her mannerisms and vocal timbre are aped to perfection. For sure, this porn gal did her homework. The rest of the cast including Tee Reel (as Kanye), Rihanna Rimes (as Beyonce), Raylene (as Sarah Palin) and Scott Lyons (as Larry King) all do well in summing up the essence of their larger than life characters. Raylene as Palin (in place of Lisa Ann, after her falling out with the company) is the show stopper. Wow! You betcha!

 

 

 

The script is surprisingly witty including re-working lyrics from a number of Lady Gaga hits for maximum porn hilarity. There’s Kanye’s drunken awards show meltdown, Jay Z’s possible infidelity, Gaga’s pilfering of Madonna’s style and even a nod to the late John Holmes (huh?) and so much more I would need a notebook to keep track of. Remember when they used to write these things on the way to the set? Nice work, Mr. Braun!

 

Accused of “not being current” by Gaga, sends Beyonce (Rihanna Rimes) around the bend in the first scene. While Gaga blasts her producers for not getting her a latte fast enough, Beyonce blasts her agent for putting her in a music video with the space cadet from New York. Gaga, sensing that she’s gotten under Beyonce’s skin, decides to peel back a few layers, wondering aloud about Jay Z’s trustworthiness. When Beyonce’s age and question of relevance are brought up (Gaga insists that Beyonce needs to get with the times, you know, because young people go both ways and that being bisexual is in – Really? Note to self: cancel “It gets better” video), Beyonce decides it’s time to show the younger Gaga a thing or two about fucking. It’s the same cell set we’ve seen so many of those Hustler “Jail Babes” movies. Rimes and Hellfire “porno kiss” and Hellfire gets lipstick smeared across most of her face (flashes of Max Hardcore). Braun decides to go with it and the sex is hot, frantic and very animalistic. A looking glass version of that slow, sensual lesbian sex we’ve become accustomed to in recent years. This is porno lesbian sex for guys who like porno lesbian sex. Both gals dine on each other’s shaved boxes. The introduction of a blue dildo cools things down, briefly, but they eventually get back to the mouth on clit loving.

 

“Gaga, hello!” The next scene attempts to capture the teetering, zany awkwardness of that interview Gaga conducted with Larry King back in May, 2010. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, last year, for his 35th anniversary episode, Larry King interviewed Lady Gaga and things went knucking futz. In the 45 minute back and forth, the pair slithered through every topic imaginable including Lupus, monsters, Gaga’s cocaine usage, Michael Jackson’s death and Gaga’s implied homosexuality and her heroric pushback against discrimination based on sexual orientation. It culminated with Gaga telling Larry, “You’re creeping me out.” Braun knows time is limited (as is Lyons’ acting ability) but they do manage to fit the creepy line in, and a new development, an acknowledgement Larry’s creepiness is turning her on. Scott Lyons, in old man make-up and Larry’s trademark suspenders, screws the feisty Italian in three positions (rc, spoon and doggy) right there at his desk. He pops across her face and into her mouth and she cleans him up. Thankfully, no marriage proposal from Larry.

 

In the next segment, Gaga offers her thoughts on the plight of her gay fans (it comes off as surprisingly vapid) and Ron Jeremy follows up with his own opinions on homosexuality, even touching on his old pal, John Holmes. “I knew he was gay,” he says, adding, “even before he did that film.” He’s clearly referring to “Private Pleasures of John C. Holmes” which is rumoured to be where Holmes contracted the disease that ultimately took his life. Ron also briefly touches on the time he hooked up with Gaga in a bathroom at the Rainbow Bar and Grill in West Hollywood. Note to self: Avoid using the bathroom at RBG.

 

Helly Mae Hellfire masturbates herself with a dildo in a poorly-lit bathroom stall until Ron Jeremy pokes his head in. The horror! ”This is the men’s room!” he insists. She invites him inside and before long he’s tapping her clit like a microphone (literally!). Clearly it’s time for the Hedge Hog to pack it in as he can barely manage an erection while getting blown by Hellfire. Not even his trick of vice-gripping the base to give the impression that he’s erect fails to work. An exclamation point on the fact that Ron needs to be put out to pasture, as his in-the-mouth cumshot is clearly faked. Oh, Ron.

 

Tee Reel (as Kanye West) adds some oomph to a sagging awards show re-creation as Madonna (Aubrey Addams) confronts award-winner Gaga about which one them is the true performance artist. Kanye’s bloated ego manifests itself in a hilarious train-wreck speech in which he pronounces himself “The artist of the century!” and, “possibly, the next Jesus!” I loves me some Kayne.

 

Madonna and Gaga are ushered backstage by a pair of security guards (Marco Rivera and Marco Banderas) as Kanye incites the crowd. Behind the scenes, cooler heads prevail and Madonna and Gaga kiss and make up. The two security guards soon join in making for a heated fourway. Rivera and Hellfire pair up while Banderas and Addams tangle – all on the same couch. Rivera is having serious erection problems, so Hellfire spends a good majority of her time standing around. Banderas and Addams have no such problems. In fact, I had a sense that Banderas and Addams were attempting to rub it in, so fierce is their fucking. Before long, Hellfire is hopping on to ride Banderas in rc while Rivera shuffles out of frame and into a corner somewhere. No worries Marco, it gets better. Sigh. Rivera re-emerges a few minutes later but it’s hopeless. Nothing Aubrey does can raise the mast. It does give Hellfire a chance to lick Aubrey’s asshole and finger her hole. Finally, after several exhausting minutes of tugging, he does manage to get erect long enough to toss Aubrey a solid pounding in doggy. The soft cock monster monster returns and Aubrey switches back to the partner she came with while Hellfire, the star, stands around striking poses. Double sigh. They eventually put them out of their misery, as Banderas dumps a load across Hellfire’s face. She cleans him off. Rivera, despite his inability to maintain an erection, produces a massive cumshot which he launches across Aubrey’s face and into her mouth. Some of it even splashes onto Hellfire beside her. She cleans  him off. The girls kiss.

No condoms.

No production dates given. Release Date: 07/26/11.

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