Another Penthouse infomercial dressed up as a feature. Considering that this is Penthouse and they seem to have some cash to throw around, the production quality is top-notch, the lighting is exquisite and the written set-ups are actually kind of fluffy fun but, as usual, the sex is too perfunctory and tame for my liking.

Celeste Star, looking positively gorgeous (but still with that husky-gravely voice – think truck stop waitress), plays Pandora, the goddess of gifts, who from her sleek boudoir, introduces five scenes, each of which involve some Penthouse novelty item which she has pulled out of her magical box – no, not that box, a wooden one.

In the opening segment, McKenzee Miles (last seen around here in “Teacher And Me“) is convinced by her boyfriend Kris Slater (last seen around here in “Bree’s Beach Party 3“) to try out the new pocket rocket he bought her. It’s a little awkward considering that they are sitting in a booth in some greasy dive, but she goes for it. Her orgasmic sounds distracts the other customers and the staff, which includes an un-credited Dirty Harry. This is clearly a homage to Katherine Heigl’s homage to Meg Ryan, the vibrating underwear-restaurant orgasm sequence from “The Ugly Truth”. Poorly shot and terribly acted, this isn’t just a knock-off, it’s a shitty knock-off. Before long, the restaurant clears out, allowing Miles and Slater to screw in a half dozen positions while a catatonic Dirty Harry stands by watching. A dream sequence? Obviously. Slater ejaculates across her stomach. Miles suddenly wakes up. The segment ends with an un-credited guy in the next booth asking the waiter to get him, say it with me, “whatever she’s having.” Yawn!

Danny Mountain (last seen around here in “Alektra’s Dirty Mind“) must not be getting any – anal, as he resorts to watching porn while sticking his dick into a Cyberskin Ass Stroker, a pretend butthole-thing distributed by Penthouse. Capri Cavalli (last seen around here in “Bossy MILFs 4“), his girlfriend, wanders into the room just as he’s nearing orgasm and she isn’t liking what she sees. She glides him into the bedroom, where she offers her real vajajay for him to stick his drill into. He does. Canadian girl Capri has long brown hair, a navel piercing, a lower back tattoo and another along her pube line, she’s shaved and looking pretty toned. She and Mountain bump and grind in a bunch of positions, including lots of eye contact and sexy talk. He dumps a whopper across her stomach. Good scene. Post sex, Mountain shows off his fake anus-toy and begs Capri to let him screw her in the ass. She isn’t having it.

With their husbands out for the evening, Carla Cox and Carmen McCarthy decide to stay in and open Carmen’s box of sex toys. Why does a happily married woman need an entire box of sex toys, anyway? Examining the objects really gets them in the mood (of course it does) and before long they are swapping up plastic whirring dicks and bodily fluids. Carmen is pure pro material, snacking on Carla’s pussy like a trooper, and growling like an animal when Carla’s tongue glides along her hairless box. She’s as fake as they come, but at least she looks good.

The next segment which plays out like something one might see playing on their tv at four a.m. with all contrived, bad acting and camera angles involves McKenzie Lee (a Brit) attempting to get her boyfriend, James Deen (last seen around here in “Simpsons: The XXX Parody“), all the way down her throat using some special lubricating spray. Deen even reeads off the ingredients in the sell job. Yes, he reads off the fucking ingredients. Following that bit of nonsense, the sex, out by a pool, is surprisingly hot. Lee wont stop cussing and Deen seems genuinely into her, screwing her in a bunch of positions (doggy, mish, spoon), as she cups his cock and balls in a vice-grip. Ouch! Lee has long black, messy hair; is thin, pale, has huge, ugly bolt-ons, poor dentition, a navel piercing and a shaved pussy. She jerks him off to a good load across her face and into her open mouth. She cleans him off. Interesting, the background music playing throughout sounds strangely similar to the theme song from that old cop-show “Sweating Bullets“.

In the last segment, newlyweds, Tommy Gunn (last seen around here in “Creature Feature“) and Syren Sexton, aren’t exactly happy with their hotel service but they decide to make due. Looking through their wedding gifts, they find all the usual items, as well as a number of unusual ones, including sex toys and lubes. Man, these guys have some interesting friends. They are particularly interested in the lubricant. Tommy sprays some on Syren’s boobs setting into motion a pretty hot little scene. Syren talks throughout, and Gunn seems to respond accordingly, with a high-energy performance. Syren is gorgeous, has long blonde hair, a patch of fur above her pussy, a lower back tattoo and, shockingly, real tits. “Do you like making love?” Syren asks him while getting  jack-hammered in missionary. Hilarious. Gunn ejaculates on her pubes after screwing in spoon.

No condoms.

No production dates given. Release Date: 7/23/2010

DVD extras include a four-minute slide show of hard and soft still photos; previews of six Penthouse titles; and an 18-minute bonus sex scene between Roxanne Hall and Marco Banderas from “Victoria Zdrok’s Guide to Great Sex”.

Cast & Crew

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