Tabloid darling and tattoo canvas Janine has become more famous in the last few years for what (or who) she’s done off screen for anything she’s done on screen. As anyone by now knows, she was married to (and had a kid with) Jesse James, the CEO of West Coast Choppers and notorious womanizer who’s marriage to Hollywood leading lady Sandra Bullock ended abruptly when it was revealed that he was… duh, screwing around. Rumours of Jesse James’ extra-marital dealings first began to surface sometime after the March, 2010 Oscar ceremony, and the tabloid shows were abuzz with speculation. The very next month, looking to cash in on the sudden interest in her ex, Janine signed on to appear in her first film of 2010, Oren Cohen’s “Janine and Jessica’s Dirty Desires.” In my opinion, she should have waited for something better to come along.
Low Art, the up-start studio behind this effort, caters specifically to those folks out there who like their porn pretentious and artsy, of which I’m not one of. Technically this is beautifully-photographed, but, as with all alt-porn films, it’s over-rehearsed, plodding, mechanical, disconnected, cold and with way too much music overlay – and never good music, but the kind of lazy drum-beat-heavy music that can be churned out in an hour using a child’s Casio Keyboard. Ironically, the studio takes its name from a 70s era underground visual art movement famous for displaying a sense of humour. This has none.
“Janine and Jessica’s Dirty Desires” has no plot to speak of, just a bunch of un-connected segments, all shot in cold, unpleasant-looking rooms using a variety of creative (read: bizarre) lighting arrangements. Janine, the film’s main attraction, is a little out of shape, and definitely looking her age (despite the mound of make-up applied), but she has genuine sex appeal, and the fact that nearly every inch of her upper body is covered in tattoos is a big plus, at least in my book.
The film opens with Jessica Jaymes, in fishnet stockings, a garter belt, an open shirt and high heels, sitting in a chair with a rose in her mouth in a blue-lit room. She’s joined by Janine (credits: Janine Lindemulder), sporting pins in both cheeks, wearing a pink top and fishnet stockings, and looking rather good. Lots of hovering and slow-motion shots lead to Janine, the aggressor, licking and grinding on Jessica, the submissive, in full throttle mode. It’s pure performance art and it’s not the least bit erotic or sexy or fun, but, I have to admit, the sight of Janine attempting to catch her breath as Jessica tongues her twat, was kind of hot, if only for her coming out of character briefly and acknowledging that she ain’t the young whipper-snapper she used to be, even if she wants to be.
Next, Janine, in socks and panties, rubs one out on a mattress which has been placed in another room with lots of shadows and odd lighting. Janine squeals a lot, letting us know that she’s orgasming, or at least pretending to. Sigh.
Jessica Jaymes and Janine tangle again in the next scene, that is a little better lit than the first, and takes place in a shower with a brick wall backdrop. Janine is naked this time and we get a good look at her forty-two year old body, which isn’t bad, considering all it’s been through. Her boobs are big and droopy and all good. Even though they maintain their same top and bottom roles, their chemistry seems more in line this, their second go-round and I didn’t mind this scene. They even stop briefly to do some scissor leg clit to clit which is another all good in my book.
Jessica Jaymes assumes the aggressor role in the next segment, with short-haired Dylan Ryder (last seen around here in “Jersey Shore XXX: A Porn Parody“) taking orders like a champ. Dylan has big fake boobs and a shaved pussy, that Jessica dives into. They eventually dine on each other’s girly parts while situated on a most uncomfortable looking stair case. Again, another un-erotic slice of art porn.
The next scene, the best of the movie, pairs the dykish Sandee Westgate up with Jessica Jaymes on what looks to be a counter top. Heavy application of oil to Westgate’s muscular legs and hairless crotch opens up the scene on just the right note. Westgate is hard-looking, Asian, muscular, with tattoos running down her right side and under her right arm, and big fake tits. She’s also incredibly sexy, and whether she’s slithering her oiled-up body around the counter, or attacking Jessica’s hairless pussy with her tongue, or going scissor leg clit to clit, this girl really sells us on the idea that she’s getting off even when she probably isn’t.
To finish the show, Jessica Jaymes, in a white shirt and white fishnet panties, strokes off in front of a glass door. She puts on a good show including plenty of gyrating and more fake orgasms. Nothing memorable, but good enough, I guess, to take us out of the film.
Date of Production: 4/6/2010