Axel Braun has produced somewhere in the neighborhood of a dozen parodies for Hustler Video and they, up to now, were very good, mainly because he took great care and went to great pains to produce reasonable adaptations that stayed true to the source material. Well, that’s done. Braun and crew were obviously in a rush to crank out a parody of 2010′s most collossal blockbuster, Avatar, and it shows. Boy, does it show. Working off Marc Star’s thin script (he doesn’t even get a mention in the ending credits), the film feels like a lazy, truncated version of James Cameron’s hugely popular film with various elements being swapped out – Pandora becomes Panwhora, Na’vi becomes Na’bi, unobtainium, the material the humans are after, becomes viagratanium; and a story (including the central character’s integration into the Na’bi culture and the war that transpires between the tribe and the military) that is almost entirely relayed by a disinterested Chris Johnson in various direct-to camera addresses, and that only make sense if you’ve seen the original. Trust me, if you’re one of those people who never got out to the theatre to see Cameron’s FX-heavy masterpiece, you’ll be hard-pressed to really understand what is happening within the context of this porn spoof. Christ, even if you have, you won’t make sense out of it.

Presented in both 2D and 3D versions (the 3D version is just the old fashioned red and blue anaglyph system, and it comes unglued at the midway point – probably a by-product of Braun’s inability to properly shoot using 3D equipment), while the 2D version is so dark that it almost completely obfuscates the action. According to various sources, gallons of blue paint and hours of prothestic applications were utilized to make the various actors look like Cameron’s Na’vi Indians. Chris Johnson makes for an acceptable Sam Worthington, while Nicki Hunter, looking thick, is a pretty good in the ultra-bitchy, chain-smoking Grace role, made famous by Sigourney Weaver. Misty Stone looks bored in the Zoe Saldana role, especially considering that she lathered in so much make-up it’s near impossible to tell her from the rest of the Na’bi cast. Evan Stone, complete with facial scars, makes a quick appearence as the brutal Colonel Quaritch, a role made famous by Stephen Lang. While everyone here seems to be playing it straight, Stone goes in another direction, making for some unintentionally hilarious moments.

The film opens with Nicki Hunter waking from her cryosleep only to be introduced to Jake (Chris Johnson). Their first meeting is gruff and mimics almost perfectly the dialogue and tone from the original film, even down to Johnson being a stand-in for his brother, a point that bothers Hunter but goes nowhere within the confines of this story. Don’t worry, by the end, nothing will matter nor will any of it make much sense. All the thought hat went into this film ended up on the technical side. On the plus side, smoking fetishists will rejoice as Nicki smokes throughout the opening.

Next, Evan Stone (last seen around here in “Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody“), in the Colonel Quaritch a role berates a bunch of raw recruits, mostly extras in nonsex roles. As if suggesting how pathetic this project is, Stone keeps his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, even hamming it up during a backroom inspection of Danica Dillan – a pretty brunette with a nice body, natural boobies, two butterfly in tattoos on her left and right shoulder blade, and another butterfly and two flowers on her left side torso.

Some exposition about the human’s desire for viagratanium results in the couple ingesting some tablets and going at it. Never thought much about it, but what does happen to a woman when she ingests Viagra? Here it acts as an aphrodisiac. Anyway, it’s a lengthy screw (mostly reverse cowgirl) that culminates with some anal sex (in doggy) and Stone dribbling a minor load across Dillan’s too-cute face. Stone is a fantastic actor but frig I hate watching him have sex.

The next day,  Nicki Hunter (last seen around here in “Wedding Bells Gang Bang 2“), in full Na’bi make-up and Eric Swiss (last seen around here in “Not Charlie’s Angels XXX“), as Norm, another soldier, also in full Na’bi avatar persona, turn a research venture into the Panwhora tropical forest into a darkly lit suck and screw session (again, mostly reverse cowgirl) that ends with another facial. Ahead of the sex, Chris Johnson, in his Na’bi persona, runs off into the woods and meets up with Misty Stone. Nicki, who is starting to look a little thick in the middle, has a seriously sexy attitude still makes her strokeworthy. As disappointed as I was in the film, I have to say that Nicki at least made it watchable.

Later, thick Nicki isn’t able to awaken Chris Johnson (last seen around here in “Hometown Girls“) from his cryo-nap so she does the only logical thing she can think of… yup, she sucks his cock. Fuck, does she suck his cock and decides not to stop, even when Johnson is fully awake and reacting. He elects not to stop it either. As one of the characters says, “We’re not in Kansas anymore.” This blowjob evolves into a full-bore, cramped screw session inside the cryo-chamber. Hunter comes across as surprisingly hot taking Johnson’s cock in her shitter in this claustraphobic casket confines and I’m reminded yet again why producers, and I, still love her. Nobody can do tough and bitchy like Nicki and even with the extra pounds, she still fucks like a rabid animal. As a testament to her super-awesomeness, she even manages to wrangle herself into place just in time to take Johnson’s genetic gunk across her face and hand.

Misty Stone and Chris Johnson, both in full avatar make-up (blue paint, prosthetic ears and nose etc.), attempt to mate in the forest. Stone’s way of screwing (plugging hair strands into each other) is roundly rejected by Johnson, who elects to show her how humans do it. This leads to a steamy sex scene that should only viewed in 2D since the 3D version seems to fall apart (no doubt a hint of the quickie month long FX work) and becomes more bewildering than interesting. Given all the major distractions from make-up and over-sized 3D equipment, Stone and Johnson seem to be into it, screwing in reverse cowgirl and doggy. Stone even swallows Johnson’s cumload. Where Cameron went to great lengths to show the slowly developing romantic bond between the two, writer Star is less creatively resourceful, so cum swallowing it is.

In the final scene (following the war and the Na’bi’s running the humans off their planet, save for a few slaves, all of which is related to us by Johnson in the shadowy confines of his mobile trailer), a full on orgy plays out in the darkness of the Panwhora forest. It’s mostly members of the Na’bi tribe including Chanel Preston, Misty Stone, Dale DaBone and Lexington Steele (last seen around here in “How To Throw A Great Stag Party“), with Chris Johnson (in avatar persona) and a tatted-up female slave girl, Juelz Ventura, providing the human presence here. Still can’t understand how Juelz is able to survive on the oxygen-deprived planet or why she’s… er… I’ll get to that in a minute. The orgy unravels in darkness and it becomes nearly impossible to decipher what is happening or who is screwing who. The gallons of blue make-up also doesn’t help in the i.d.ing process. From what I could tell, Steele hooks up with Ventura inlcuding reverse cowgirl and an open mouth facial with clean-up, DaBone screws Preston, and another facial, while Stone and Johnson have their second tussle of the film, but it’s all just a guess. Seriously, it’s so damned dark.

Okay, so we venture into the film’s final moments and that’s where everything goes all haywire, for lack of a better term. Let’s talk about slave girl, Juelz. According to his little diary notation, Johnson only became aware of the Na’bi’s true nature, the absolute hatred of humans, only once the humans were driven off their planet, however, that doesn’t make sense because he seems perfectly fine with the slave girl at the orgy. Huh? Now, the few remaining humans have become slaves… or entrepeneurs, as a final shot, reimincisent of the Planet of the Apes remake, hints at. The ending is so silly and incomprehensible that I have no doubt that it was conceived on the way to the set.

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