“Certifiably Anal” is essentially a poorly-shot quickie vehicle designed to show off actress Kaylan Nicole, who worked in roughly sixty films between 93 and 97. While she was fairly new to the business when Alex de Renzy (using his alias Rex Borsky) shot this footage, her cool, professional attitude shows through onto the screen and you‘d swear she‘d been doing it for ten years.

Wisconsin girl, Kaylan Nicole (born in 1972), was a beautiful woman, for sure, with her long blonde hair, cover-girl looks, and womanly body. Sadly, despite her natural beauty, she typically appeared on-screen heavily made-up including a gallon of hair spray used and lots of make-up; as well, she had a very cool, detached-stripper quality to her, that seemed to suggest that she was making these movies strictly for the money and nothing else.

For tattoos, she had numerous including a rose just above outside right ankle, some kissing lips on her right buttock and Chinese symbols on the back of the neck. Sexually, she was rather bland and generic, with many of her partners (including some top tier studs in the industry) becoming bored with her mid-screw, leading to erection problems in numerous instances. “Certifiably Anal” features a couple of examples of that boredom as both Tom Byron and Peter North, two porn gods, seem to struggle to stay aroused while screwing Kaylan. Randy West, a legend in the business since the early 70s, is just good-looking and macho enough to get Kaylan all hot and bothered in the sack. She even agrees to take West’s cock in her ass (I guess this qualifies her as certifiably anal?), leading to a surprisingly energetic and sexy encounter.

The first encounter is a foursome between Tom Byron (last seen around here in “Vegas: Snake Eyes“) and Kaylan Nicole and Joey Silvera and Kaitlyn Ashley. Had there not been a single shot of the four in the same room, it would be nearly impossible to surmise that they were all indeed in the same room, as they are shown separately throughout.

Tom Byron, in his long haired rocker phase, takes on Kaylan Nicole, looking trashy in a blue bra and panties. Kaylan, as I mentioned, is model gorgeous. Her hair is crimped here, and her big fake tits are displayed prominently, but considering how nice the rest of her is, I guess that I can forgive that. She’s wearing white stockings, a garter belt and high heels. Byron is wearing hiking boots?

They screw in cowgirl, missionary and doggy, with Byron coming alive just as the scene starts to wind down, eventually pulling out to send a hard-earned load across the “lips” tattoo on her right butt cheek. Afterwards, he rubs his drained dick across Kaylan’s “lips” causing her to erupt in laughter. Sadly he didn’t get a shot at Kaylan’s sweet little ass.  Don’t worry, Tom and Kaylan would hook up again in three more films: “Gorgeous“, “Misfits” and “Anal Crack Master“.

Kaitlyn Ashley (last seen around here in “No Man’s Land 11”) and Joey Silvera are up next. With her real smallish boobs and her pussy unshaven, Blonde cutie-pie, Kaitlyn (minus her boyfriend Jay Ashley, whom she mostly worked with at the time), is still new to the business and nervous as ever. Joey and her run through the paces, with Kaitlyn (wearing black knee high boots) being less expressive than she would become in later years.

Regardless, Silvera (last seen around here in “Living Doll”) seems instantly turned on by her (maybe because she’s still a novice) and after only two positions, missionary and cowgirl, and some quickie anal sex, he’s forced to pull his cock free to stave off orgasming too quickly. Sadly, it’s to little too late and after a quiet sigh, he sends a mini-load (which looks to be almost pre-cum) over his own leg. One might think that the sight of a nervous, cute, pre-boob job Kaitlyn giving up her asshole to the legendary actor and director Joey Silvera might be more spectular, but sadly, it barely registers.

“Oh, I love your ass. I fucking love your ass,” Randy West tells Kaylan Nicole in what turns out to be the sexiest scene of the lot. Randy West (last seen around here in “A Little Christmas Tail”) is an old pro, and he wastes no time diving into Kaylan’s hot pussy.

Kaylan, clearly turned on by the hunky, older West, is wearing a black dress, black stockings and high heels. She’s quick to get out of her clothes and to get the oral stuff out of the way, as she clearly wants to fuck her man, a rarity for Ms. Nicole who always seemed to dread the actual sex portion of the scene. I have to say, watching (and listening) to these two fucking is, well, hot.

Randy likes her ass and within minutes is sliding his cock balls deep up her asshole in doggy. Kaylan let’s her inner animal free, growling, cussing (she says “fuck” probably thirty times, something I found to be exceptionally exciting) and carrying on like a freak. “I’m gonna cum,” Randy whispers, and after only one position (doggy), he’s pulling his cock free to send a load across her gorgeous booty. It drips down her pussy. Fucking volcanic. The two kiss to end the encounter.

Peter North (last seen around here in “Breaking It“) is the next legendary stud to hook up with Kaylan Nicole as she finds him hanging out in her living room. She’s wearing a black halter top, a black dress and black sexy high heels. She pounces on North, seemingly happy to get the scene started. ”I could eat this for hours,” North tells Nicole, while munching on her hot box.

She returns the oral favours (something North seems to enjoy immensely as his cock turns a dark shade of red) and before long the two are humping it out in doggy-style and missionary. Sadly, Kaylan never gives up her ass to North, who, like Byron earlier, seems to have erection problems. Maybe it’s her fake moans.

Maybe it’s that she fucks like she’d rather be doing something else, I don’t know? Or, I think it might have something to do with the heat as North is literally dripping with sweat. He pulls his cock free just in time to send a geyser into the air. The first strand splats Kaylan in the forehead – fucking bullseye! – while the rest is dribbled across her tummy and tits. Kaylan can only sit and laugh. These two would work together again in “Anal Hounds and Bitches” and this time, Peter would get that ass.

The last scene is a foursome with Randy West taking on sultry, stunningly beautiful Veronica Sage (credits: Veronica), while on the other side of the room, Peter North tangles with sexy latina, Heather Lee.

Like the earlier foursome, after the intro, where we establish that there are two couples in the same room, the camera remains focused on one couple at a time, rarely getting them both in the same shot again afterwards. Veronica is very pretty, long black hair, somewhat Asian features, smallish perky tits, beautiful body. She’s wearing black knee high leather boots. Heather Lee is the skankier of the two (she let Ed fuck her in the ass in her very first video “New Ends 5”), with prominent teeth, giant fake knockers, a rose tattoo on her upper left breast, another above her pubes and a tattoo on her left ankle. She resembles slightly Lana Sands, another more famous porn actress. Heather is wearing white socks and red high heel shoes. While she might not be even half as pretty as Veronica, she makes up for it with her attitude, which just screams: Move Into The Next Lane, Bad Girl Fucking Here.

Randy starts off fucking Veronica backwards, as she’s laying in missionary. I have to admit, I found it to be incredibly hot. North, on the other side, puts it to Heather doggy, before flipping her over for some missionary.

Eventually she hops on in cowgirl, pumping her hot pussy down onto his cock as they stare each other down and make dirty talk. Heather wants Petey in her ass and, in the doggy-style position, he complies — stuffing his whale dick in her anus. “Oh god,” Peter growls, as he puts it to her.

They move into reverse cowgirl, with Heather sitting her ass down onto his cock, and flipping out. North, in spoon, pulls his cock out of Heather’s ass to send a semen geyser across Heather’s face, tits, stomach and the camera. I counted nine solid ropes, and one very very happy Heather. She even gives him some post-cum head. Too bad the position and the camera work wasn’t better because that could have been an amazing cumshot. Granted, it’s not bad and they did slow it down, so I’m happy enough.

West, for his part, is working with an injured dog (or at least that’s what it sounds like. Seriously, folks, we’re talking about howling and yelping here).

After screwing Veronica’s pussy, he pulls free to send a drop shot across her ass cheeks. Ms. Sage, like Heather, was happy to give up her asshole to Ed Powers in her very first film, “New Ends 7” but here, she ain’t having it. West has to settle for yelps and her pussy, and not much else. Interesting to note that it was Randy who introduced Veronica to Ed. huh?

Cast & Crew

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